dying next to you
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Tomoyo, Sakura, and Li-kun are in high school. And Tomoyo has made a quiet resolution as she smiles to hide her true thoughts. Note: contains shoujo-ai


description: Tomoyo, Sakura, and Li-kun are in high school. And Tomoyo has made a quiet resolution as she smiles to hide her true thoughts. Warning: contains shoujo-ai.  
  
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Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura is Clamp's. I'm just nuts about Li and Touya.  
  
Author's note: This contains shoujo-ai and this is my first attempt so...hope its okay.  
  
  
  
  
I laughed again I watched her falling asleep on her desk. The teacher, who had just called on her to read the next sentence for English, instantly threw his piece of chalk at her.  
"Huh?" she had said in response while her eyes blinked half in confusion. But in a half-second, she instantly stood up to a very annoyed teacher and held her book in between her hands as if it were slip off from nervousness.  
"I remembered the name once told to me..." she had started.  
The teacher was now turning red in frustration and shouted, "No, the next paragraph!"  
I couldn't blame him, though. Even after all the Cards...well...that's that.  
But, I smiled all the same as I leaned my head on my palm. My long hair fell to the side almost pulling my head slightly with its weight.  
  
I was happy nonetheless.  
Sakura hadn't changed after all these.  
  
Neither had I.  
  
  
dying next to you.  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
"Oww..." Sakura had said as she rubbed her head with a frown as we walked towards our lockers.  
"Well, serves you right for not paying attention," Li-kun had answered back. But then, he blinked and patted her head softly. "Want me to kill him now? I was dying to."  
She laughed and smiled. "No."  
  
Li-kun had not changed either, ne?  
  
When we reached our lockers, I patted Sakura on the head and rubbed the bump gently. "I'll take care of it later."  
Li-kun looked at me, but didn't say anything. What could he say?  
"Let's go get ice cream then!" Sakura suddenly said. "There's that new place downtown. I think has something to do with Piffle Princess."  
I nodded. "I heard about that."  
"Geez, we're already second year high school students and you still get excited for ice cream." Li rubbed his head in a bit of frustration.  
I found this whole interaction kind of amusing. Well, as always.  
"Yeah, but who keeps on spoiling her with it?" I teased as we walked out of the school entrance.  
"Well...that's...umm..." Again, he blushed.  
"And you never seemed to grow out of that phase either, Li-kun." Sakura countered as she laughed and patted his back. "But isn't it better this way? Ne?"  
  
Li-kun melted.  
  
"If you don't hurry up, we'll leave you!" We both shouted back at him while running away for no particular reason.  
  
  
***  
  
When we got there, we looked up to the menu that seemed endless. It always seemed that Piffle Princess had everything. I sweatdropped.  
We all sweatdropped. I think we were all thinking the same thing.  
"I want a double please. The mint chocolate chip and sherbet on a cone." the girl had said. She seemed to have a pink-haired doll with her.  
"Thanks!" she said as she walked away saying, "We could share this Hikaru!"  
"But, I bought it..." the boy next to her mumbled as he blinked at the girl. He smiled though.  
  
(Yes, Yui is a big Oujirou-sama fan. And she is an even bigger fan of kick-ass Wizard. * big grin * He's too fine to be a doll if you ask me.)  
  
"I knew that you'd eventually get here as long as it involved ice cream," a voice said.  
We looked at Touya-san, who once again had gotten an 'arubaito'. ^^;;; Then, we saw the badge that was labeled, "manager". In back of him was Yukito-san.  
As always, I never questioned what these strange circumstances between Piffle Princess and their relationship was.  
Sakura pouted and stuck her tongue out.  
We all ordered our flavors and left to go home. Li-kun left and so it was just us walking towards Sakura's house.  
While walking, we talked about everything that possibly could have been talked about. Again. But this was never boring.  
We ate dinner and changed into our pajamas.  
"So, what do we do now?" she had said as she sat on her bed.  
"Watch videos?" I blinked at her.  
"Again?"  
"Oh, I never tire of watching Sakura-chan and her adventures." I said without hesitation.  
  
By now I knew how to answer without giving myself away.  
  
"Those tapes are how old now!" she laughed as she laid back on her bed.  
I sat on her desk chair and folded my hands over the head rest. "But it never stopped me. I still do videotape you and you don't say anything."  
"Because I'm used to it." Then, she sighed as she got up and looked at me for a moment with a confused look. "Tomoyo-chan? I never asked you this before...but _why_ do you tape me?"  
I looked at her straight in the face with a smile and answered, "Because I think Sakura-chan is interesting. She's one of the cutest people I've ever seen."  
I blinked and kept the smile...though it was slightly tainted.  
  
I knew this question would eventually come one of these days. But I didn't expect it so suddenly.  
Sakura never seemed to get the hints to some things anyway.  
  
"Oh, I better take care of that bump." I said as I was getting up to get the first aid kit. She had gotten hurt so many times that I didn't have to ask her where it was anymore.  
"Naw." She raised her hand and shook her head. "Don't worry about it."  
"Oh, okay."  
Li-kun...I think he suspects something. There was this silent war that would sometimes come in waves. But then, he would dismiss the thought and I wouldn't feel the tension.  
But I was like him. Only quieter. I smiled and inside, I was dying to crush whomever touched Sakura or hurt her in anyway.  
She was my best friend...  
...and sometimes more than that-  
"Tomoyo-chan? Let's just go to sleep." Sakura interrupted my thoughts.  
I nodded my head as I turned off the light and we slipped into the covers of the bed. Our eyes adjusted to the light and finally, I could see her through the darkness.  
There was no moon out today, so it was kind of hard to make out anything.  
I turned over and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. It wasn't such a weird thing. I've been doing it for years.  
Sakura held my arms with her cold hands. "You're always so warm, Tomoyo-chan."  
Silence.  
I held her tighter.  
  
I like this darkness. You cannot see me, Sakura. I have no form. I enwrap you with my two arms, and yet, I feel like I'm not there.  
Whenever I hold you like this, I smell your hair. The hair that had pigtails and now, they've just grown longer, but they're still the same. Does this make any sense to you? I don't know anymore.  
Whenever I smell your hair, it's the smell of the cherry blossoms. Just like your own name. I don't know how you did it, but you do.  
And as my heart beats, I don't know if you feel me. I cannot embrace you enough. I want to hold you.  
This isn't enough.  
And my rushed thoughts are not helping.  
But I'm afraid that if I do, I'll break you. Sakura is always so fragile and sensitive just like the cherry-blossom petal. I must crush you.  
I know I'm selfish right now, but this is the only time I can hold you like this. That you don't know I love you so much it hurts inside. That each time I see you with Li-kun, I think, I wish I had been a guy too. I wish it were me making you happy the way I want to.  
I don't know...  
Can he rival my love?   
Some part of me says he can't. In my mind, I know he can't. My whole being now tells me this simple fact that I've pushed away.  
The ears, the smile, the face...  
No...  
  
I can't give them away. Not all of it to you, Li-kun.  
I can't.  
  
She's mine...  
As long as I can keep her...  
  
  
Wrapping one leg over your own, I hold you tighter.   
  
I want to drown here in this bed. They say that water tells your emotions in dreams. I want to drown.  
No, I am drowning. I can't breathe.  
So many things I want to say-  
  
"Tomoyo-chan?"  
"Yes, Sakura-chan?  
"What are you thinking about?"  
  
How much I love you.   
  
Instead, I answer, "About what song to sing to you as a lullaby."  
"The one you always sing to me, Tomoyo-chan."  
I nodded. "Yosh. Okay, give me a moment."  
  
  
It was then that I thought about why I made that song...  
  
I was alone with Li-kun in the lockers at the beginning of our freshman year. I had finally found enough courage to get my thoughts together.  
"Li-kun." I had said as I was changing my shoes.  
He opened his locker. "Yes?"  
"Sakura was crying again."  
"I told her not to worry so much-"  
I held out my hand. "Please let me finish."  
I stood up and placed both of my hands at the sides of his face. Sighing, we both looked at each other eye to eye.  
"I've never asked anything of you. So, I only have one request, Li-kun."  
He nodded.  
"Don't let her cry." I took my hands down.  
With a smile on my face, I closed my eyes and said, "Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't love her too."  
"..."  
I turned around and walked away as if I had never said it. "See you tomorrow!"  
But by then, I couldn't hold the tears.  
  
  
"I'm ready." Then, I began to sing to the song I had made for Sakura:  
  
Like a cherry-blossom floating  
I'll catch you,  
Impossible as it may be.  
  
Like a cup that overflows,  
I won't let you spill  
even if it's just myself.  
  
Tell me your dreams,  
I'll tell you can  
Achieve all of them.  
  
Tell me anything,  
I'll believe it   
even if it's a lie.  
  
Do you know what   
It is to be blind?  
Look at me and know.  
  
Do you know why  
I like to watch you?  
Because you watch  
me back.  
  
Smile like   
you did before.  
It's the same.  
  
Ask me how much   
I love you,  
I'll tell you   
I can't.  
  
There is no word.  
I can't find it.  
"I love you"  
isn't enough.  
  
Not anymore.   
  
Like a cherry-blossom falling  
I'll catch you,  
Impossible as it may be.  
  
  
  
I could feel Sakura smiling as she said, "Thank you, like always."  
Then, she said, "I love you, Tomoyo-chan. Good night."  
  
I didn't want to shake as she said that, but I almost couldn't breathe.  
  
You don't understand what you're saying Sakura-chan. You're only saying that because we've been friends for years.  
  
  
I held onto her in the darkness. Even only this makes me happy.  
  
I also want to cry.  
You don't understand what I'm saying.  
  
  
"I love you too, Sakura-chan," I said as a tinge of pain darted itself inside of my heart.  
  
  
You don't understand.   
And I can't tell you.  
  
  
  
But I'm even more scared of the day that you will understand. Will we still be friends then?   
Would you let me?  
  
Would I let myself?  
  
  
Except, I don't need to ask myself anymore. I answered that question a long time ago.  
  
  
I'm resigned to suffer in silence...  
even if it means I'm dying being next to you...  
  
  
It was then that I softly kissed the bump on her head with a tear slipping from eye into her cherry-blossom scented hair.  
  
  
  
--  
More author's comments: My heart literally ached as I made the lines after the song. I could feel this even more than my 'clover-kibou' fic.  
But I enjoyed this very much. I am not a supporter of the Tomoyo and Sakura pairing, but I knew that if there was any character that I could relate to, it'd be Tomoyo. In fact, I didn't get the hint that she like Sakura until my friends told me.   
  
I dedicate this to girl from long ago. 


End file.
